It has come to my attention that I have experienced a wide variety of emotions in the past few days, tears shed, moving moments flowed, inspiring stories and life experiences heard, burnt words from people I know, questions on the Parliament House situations asked, constant conflicting decisions on whether to go, and other things. I am going to rant on various stuff I have seen and come across, in hopes of relief and brightening my 24hrs in addition to the killer mood I already have some of the time. It is a rant afterall, so I will expect random spurts of thoughts that may not be closely linked.
"And if you don't agree with her, then find a way to express yourself without being so caustic."
- Limpeh Foreign Talent
First and foremost, I see burning comments from knetz and inetz alike quite a number of times from my usual leisure reading. I do dish out (or desire to) burning comments as well in real-life, sometimes imagined in my mind like what I wish will happen. Normally it doesn't end well, definitely in the short run, but oh well, I don't care for the long run as well, of which sometimes trashing out brought more understanding. The surprising thing is I don't do caustic because I am bitter; I do it because I really meant what I felt.
Secondly, caustic is relative, and can depend on factors such as when words are said, who said it, and in front of who. An incident happened yesterday in Whatsapp, that damned chatting service. One of them said those who earned as queuers should be burnt. Ok fine, true that it is not right, though I can see it from some desperate circumstances really.
So I said that I will actually pay, it is a service afterall, though inappropriate from some angles. What if a person has got to get on a plane and the rigid arrangements at the starts prevents an immediate entrance even after showing the ticket timing? I don't even know why I should begin stating examples on how many different circumstances these queuers will help those who needs others to queue for them, regardless of the intentions of those who provide the service. Then my other friend, someone whom I trusted not to just burn me like that, just replied straight after, that it is not acceptable under any circumstances. Both the Parliament and transport are open 24 hours, and there is priority queue also so there is not excuse. Really. Not only do I not appreciate the face lost, effectively dismissing my views, but also informally and indirectly labelling me as someone who, I don't know, probably cannot decide as well ethically? And worse, in front of a bunch of people that are already making plans and coordinating leaving me out. They seemed so close I don't even want to butt in halfway. It is fine that I was not tagged @missfalling due to where I am and all, but I feel isolated emotionally in addition to all these people who have different views and show no empathy for mine.
Please try to understand. To cite hall allocations as an example, there are so many reason one cannot get hall immediately even with work done in the previous year, and some resort to paying another for a rented room under their name. Yes, it is not right because for every person doing this, there is one who has to wait longer. But the system is such that it looks at a final number and does not rate how desperate one actually needs it and alternatives that one can find. If providing your room for rent to a friend because you want to help them, then renting it at the original rate without earning is good. For this case, this service of queueing is intangible, you can't even put an accurate price to it, so why can't you accept some form of thank-you gift, monetary or not? If a person wants to help a stranger, but may not want to do it at the expense of forking out own living expenses to do so, then accepting a basic level of payment, even food or other sort, is undeniably alright. This person is spending their time, priceless time, to queue, so what is money and material goods compared to this? WHY *KING ASSUME THAT THE SELLER JUST WANTS TO PROFIT AND THE BUYER JUST WANTS AN EASY WAY OUT? Requesting is not right, but it also deters those who wants to take advantage of you (those are far more worse) by asking you to effectively queue for them for free so inappropriately. And please don't take out examples of those who fought to queue under trying circumstances and hence all can. Some just cannot.
I don't want to confront anyone this time because I can picture a group standing at one corner, giving me shady and judgemental looks while I stand alone, explained but not listened to nevertheless. I may imagine the worse, and holding it back may not be healthy for me, but I may be too weak at this moment, with already the myriad of emotions, to be dealing with this. I can even imagine debating with the friend who burnt me and eventually hearing the words "too bad". I shudder at the thought of this. You know what, I don't need company like that. That's it.
If I want I will queue on my own or find a faster way without resorting to paying ANYONE. I don't need the burn from people who cannot leave a leeway for me especially among a group that probably already holds the same opinions.
"There is a time n place for everything. Just like u, I dont think LKY is behind every good thing in Sg. But he has done A LOT in really difficult situations. Now ppl are in mourning. Its not the time for ur analysis. Respect that many many ppl respect n love him. Respect their grief n gratitude even if u dont share it. If u dont have this sensitivity, then u lack sm basic sense of humanity, no matter how clever your fact-finding or intellectual analysis."
I agree with all very strongly, except the red portions. Any comment that contains a balanced viewpoint, even if correct, is indeed hard to digest at the moment and not be the most appropriate. But the consideration that one may not share the grief and gratitude should not even appear. If someone has already "analysed", it means that they have already considered different viewpoints. It already means that they are not majorly, or not even a single bit, lean towards the negative side. Stop assuming that one's emotions are opposing just because he/she can see other points of view.
"One doesn't display their grief / sensitivity publicly, doesn't mean one is less sensitive or have lesser respect for Mr. Lee."
This helps me to come to terms to how I may be able to give support, be it for Mr Lee and his passing, his family, the other citizens, and myself. I did feel pressure on having to go for the Parliament visit because people around me did, in addition to my already constantly-present worries on when to queue exactly. It is not to say that I want to do it because people around me are doing it. It is that if people around me are doing it, I will feel even more horrible when I want but cannot manage to get it. It's like facing everyone around you getting your wish but you can't. It's like I don't want to be rubbed salt on something that I wanted to attend but never had the chance to. With reading this, I have come to terms much more with sweeping the influence others on my directions, both present and future, and whetever choice that come I hope to not be sour or sorts even if I couldnt get what I want. As long as I round up my own emotions and give myself a complete closure, perhaps in another form, then I will feel good about this for a long time to come.