I googled the word 'tired' appearing on my blog, surprisingly not much, twice.
Perhaps the search is limited, I don't know.
I tried 'sick' instead, and found out I've used it three times already just on the homepage i.e. recent entries, but that's the only thing found.
I am just damn tired and sick now tbh.
I am sick of the module. I am sick of sitting here and just, listening and watching. I'm supposed to learn but clearly inhibited by whatever I'm feeling now.
I wonder if it's because I've not had breakfast, that I've only had biscuits, or that my combination of the tight dress at the chest makes my heart pound. Or that there are no other reasons - I'm just tired.
I need to run away, go away. Leave the class because I just want to stone outside, doing nothing, but my mind can't let intercept at that moment as well.
I don't actually crave such breaks all the time, although I do remember looking forward to it every week when I was in my contract school. I loved the moments where I can sit down and chill fully during work, not like some half-assed effort at unwinding doing my own stuff amid seconds-breaks in lessons or trying to multitask.
But I will never want to go back for such minor perks, in fact they are not perks because they are not extra, they are necessary to balance the atrocity.
Now as I sit at NTU North Spine typing this, taking the short amount of time to just say something, I think about my privilege, with my Subway untouched by my side. As much as I hope this will last me for the whole day, which is unpredictable given my condition now, it's either I eat a lot or don't feel like eating much, I wonder how much lesser can other people afford. The difference is apparent in where I'm sitting, among the fast food areas where, although it is also not true because of the increasing prices in food courts in general. At this point I don't care if my thoughts are flawed, sometimes you are just too tired to catch them I suppose.
And my hands just get tired from the incorrect proportions of my hand, the chair, and the table.
But I still feel like I want to sit here, till the nights, albeit not knowing the difference nighttime can bring, and how long my arm muscles can last me. I don't feel overly cold or hot with a jacket, and that's good. But I wonder if the quieter atmosphere at night will accentuate little conversations, bringing them above the level of white noise.
Maybe I should just get that McDonalds set that I was craving yesterday night, no doubt my heart beat might very well get even faster again, from the high cholestrol or excessive tea, I don't know.