Angelic Boyish

(no subject)

We can just be friends you know? I’m sorry my email didn’t turn out into my objectives, which is just to reply you that I will move on. I’m sorry it turned out this way, I’m sorry I brought confusion to you, instead of just that struggle within myself.

I just realised you didn’t walk me back. I’m not in a position to be asking for anything you know, it’s just...hate to compare but think you would have walked her back. Does this speak enough of your heart?
Angelic Boyish

What are you thinking of?

If you already believe that this time will really be different, then what is there to consider?

There’s nothing to consider, because I wasn’t considered in the first place.

I don’t know when I would ever see you again, even if I so much want to. I already miss you, but do you?

There’s nothing that I can ask for, there’s no position in your heart. It hurts that I am leaving, but it’s hurts even more to stay as a choice, not the choice. My heart can’t be treated like this.

Is your heart speaking loud enough? Will you be with me without hesitation? Will you feel sorry for yourself? Will you look back?

Most painfully, are you just thinking of a way to reject me?

This is paralysing.
Angelic Boyish

When you feel a pang to your heart, and you got to settle it

I took two pills today and sat down, just waited for my emotions to settle down. It's a bomb that's very hard for me to sit down with, but who am I right? I am myself, and whatever I am feeling, I am still myself. I have my heart to get over with this, I have my mind to get over with this, I have all my strength put in front to get over with this. I have my mindset to get over with this, I have my thoughts to get over with this, I will look out for myself.

I need my time to grieve, to grieve for myself, to grieve for that heart that willingly got pulled up and dropped to the ground for a moment, I will pick it up, I will take time to heal, I will go through a period and process of moving on. But I will move on to be healthy again.

It hurts, and at this point of time I cannot picture that you know how much this hurts, But still, I'm not going to live my life for you. You will not live for me. I had thoughts coming to my head, being another me out there to get all I want, but what are my motivations? Myself, I want to live my way because I truly want to. I'm not going to live my life for you, because you will not live for me.

. - . - .

"Because you wanted life to be as you expected but it didn't turned out to be as expected.

Expectations always hurt be it due to unexpected failure, rejection by the person you love or any other unimagined event in your life.

So, to avoid pain and hurt, keep the expectations at bay. Focus only on your actions and what's in your hand."

"When you like a person, you may have the connection with the person but with the connection you also get attached to the person. Definitely when you are attached to someone, you will get the pain while detaching yourself. You should understand love never means to attach yourself to that person. It means giving and getting freedom. The pain will never go until and unless you let go the feelings you had for the person.

Your feelings are like glass of water in your stretched hands. It will definitely hurt you more if you keep holding it for longer time. The day you forgive n forget yourself and the person you will be at peace."

"You have no idea how much you feel pain when the person you love someone not meant to reciprocate the same feelings for you. he mean everything to you but you clearly knows that there is boundary between you and he and not meant to break at any cost. he mean to fly away in this lifetime but you have to settle where you are and see h[im] go away and keep wonder about possibilities of what if he had same feelings."













. - . - .

At times I follow my heart. At times I lead my heart.
Please give me the resilience and strength that I would need.
Keep me in your prayers, I will keep myself in.

(Sep'19 full-month)

Angelic Boyish

Movie of the Moment : 蜻蜓之眼 (Dragonfly Eyes) (2017)
(Choose 线路二 / second streaming source)

In a world where China has survellience cameras all over the country, open for public viewing, can you make a cohesive story out of their footage?

Just want to say, look out for the ending. Recommend to watch even just for the modern themes covered both within the narrative and implications of the film while making. When you use real scenes to tell fiction, the lines are blurred.

(Aug '19 half-month post)
Angelic Boyish

Jul '19 full-month

It took me 1.5 years to come to address this matter. I've kept the link in my email but I was pretty pissed off, too pissed off to address it for such a long long time.

My Jonghyun's suicide is not an 'incident' for you to make shallow news about to fill up your article count. It's hurtful and we Shawols certainly did not "miss" signs that he was crying for help.

1) Jonghyun wasn't crying for help. He was open about his issues, he wasn't asking us to come save him, it was an individual struggle.

2) Shawols are aware that he has depressive symptoms. What do you expect us to do? We love him so much, we paid attention to him, but looking at how you comment, surely none of you have gone through mental health problems. It's a world of it's own. Wait till you get one.

If you are a fan, I seriously wonder your reason for making your supposed grief public. You certainly didn't put it that way. It should have been something that hurts so much you'll reject your boos right in the face to even bring it up.

You blaming us now? You blaming the public? Stop fucking use clickbait titles to attract eyeballs. Karma will get to you. Sofia Bening and your editorial team, watch out. One of you will die a painful death.
Angelic Boyish

Comment to 'photos of John mountain climbing and bicycling' by found_world

I love these so much! It's like pictures of a photoshoot and behind the scene photos. The quality is amazing and looks like the filtered look that so many modern device are trying to achieve today. In terms of old school photography devices, I only own a disposable camera haha but man, I so wish to start using it! My house has quite a bit of things though so having to develop photos to see now is a concern.

View the entire thread this comment is a part of

Angelic Boyish

Apr '19 Half-Month

2k18 semi-month posts roundup:
Wow, I did 5/24 posts that was supposed scheduled for last year.
The keyword is 'supposed' though, so it really is up to me in the end, and having these simple timelines to follow gives me lesser to think about after that, rather than tiredly chasing after it.

It's my fourth year on it and I still love this project though and come back to it from time to time, no matter how busy I am. It's just like some games tht I've played, years after years I go back to it, then do something else again. It also gives me a sense of unrestricting structure that I can get back to when I want. And I like continuity and sustainability unless it gets overwhelming for me. And knowing me especially how and what I've done to get overwhelming factors out of my life, I can trust myself on this at this current moment. My commitment is getting lesser but I feel happy and flexible with it and it gives me something to go back to when I want to just post something again.

Just to give an update of my life,

  • I'm still recording my work hours since starting last year, although I'm not or have yet to count them and add up this year. I don't find an urge to know, but I just like that data.

  • I recently cleared my Gmail of years of archived emails, about a thousand, that I always thought I had deleted long ago. Turns out they are still hiding somewhere. It felt tired but good at the end of the day, and I also changed my phone app setting such that now they are directed to the 'real' trash folder instead.

  • I've started trying to stream actual TV channels on my iPad. It does help me sit down and do work with something to unwind and accompany amidst the silence and restless butt lol.

Angelic Boyish

(no subject)

40 Years of Stanford Research Found That People With This One Quality Are More Likely to Succeed
by James Clear

In the 1960s, a Stanford professor named Walter Mischel began conducting a series of important psychological studies.

During his experiments, Mischel and his team tested hundreds of children — most of them around the ages of 4 and 5 years old — and revealed what is now believed to be one of the most important characteristics for success in health, work, and life.

Let’s talk about what happened and, more importantly, how you can use it.

The Marshmallow Experiment

The experiment began by bringing each child into a private room, sitting them down in a chair, and placing a marshmallow on the table in front of them.

At this point, the researcher offered a deal to the child.

The researcher told the child that he was going to leave the room and that if the child did not eat the marshmallow while he was away, then they would be rewarded with a second marshmallow. However, if the child decided to eat the first one before the researcher came back, then they would not get a second marshmallow.

So the choice was simple: one treat right now or two treats later.

The researcher left the room for 15 minutes.

As you can imagine, the footage of the children waiting alone in the room was rather entertaining. Some kids jumped up and ate the first marshmallow as soon as the researcher closed the door. Others wiggled and bounced and scooted in their chairs as they tried to restrain themselves, but eventually gave in to temptation a few minutes later. And finally, a few of the children did manage to wait the entire time.

Published in 1972, this popular study became known as The Marshmallow Experiment, but it wasn't the treat that made it famous. The interesting part came years later.

The Power of Delayed Gratification

As the years rolled on and the children grew up, the researchers conducted follow up studies and tracked each child's progress in a number of areas. What they found was surprising.

The children who were willing to delay gratification and waited to receive the second marshmallow ended up having higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures. (You can see the followup studies here, here, and here.)

The researchers followed each child for more than 40 years and over and over again, the group who waited patiently for the second marshmallow succeed in whatever capacity they were measuring. In other words, this series of experiments proved that the ability to delay gratification was critical for success in life.

And if you look around, you’ll see this playing out everywhere…

If you delay the gratification of watching television and get your homework done now, then you’ll learn more and get better grades.
If you delay the gratification of buying desserts and chips at the store, then you’ll eat healthier when you get home.
If you delay the gratification of finishing your workout early and put in a few more reps, then you’ll be stronger.
… and countless other examples.

Success usually comes down to choosing the pain of discipline over the ease of distraction. And that’s exactly what delayed gratification is all about.

This brings us to an interesting question: Did some children naturally have more self-control, and thus were destined for success? Or can you learn to develop this important trait?

What Determines Your Ability to Delay Gratification?

Researchers at the University of Rochester decided to replicate the marshmallow experiment, but with an important twist. (You can read the study here.)

Before offering the child the marshmallow, the researchers split the children into two groups.

The first group was exposed to a series of unreliable experiences. For example, the researcher gave the child a small box of crayons and promised to bring a bigger one, but never did. Then the researcher gave the child a small sticker and promised to bring a better selection of stickers, but never did.

Meanwhile, the second group had very reliable experiences. They were promised better crayons and got them. They were told about the better stickers and then they received them.

You can imagine the impact these experiences had on the marshmallow test. The children in the unreliable group had no reason to trust that the researchers would bring a second marshmallow and thus they didn’t wait very long to eat the first one.

Meanwhile, the children in the second group were training their brains to see delayed gratification as a positive. Every time the researcher made a promise and then delivered on it, the child's brain registered two things: 1) waiting for gratification is worth it and 2) I have the capability to wait. As a result, the second group waited an average of four times longer than the first group.

In other words, the child's ability to delay gratification and display self-control was not a predetermined trait, but rather was impacted by the experiences and environment that surrounded them. In fact, the effects of the environment were almost instantaneous. Just a few minutes of reliable or unreliable experiences were enough to push the actions of each child in one direction or another.

What can you and I learn from all of this?

How to Become Better at Delaying Gratification

The studies above do make one thing clear: if you want to succeed at something, at some point you will need to find the ability to be disciplined and take action instead of becoming distracted and doing what's easy. Success in nearly every field requires you to ignore doing something easier (delaying gratification) in favor of doing something harder (doing the work and putting in your reps).

But the key takeaway here is that even if you don't feel like you're good at delaying gratification now, you can train yourself to become better simply by making a few small improvements. In the case of the children in the study, this meant being exposed to a reliable environment where the researcher promised something and then delivered it.

You and I can do the same thing. We can train our ability to delay gratification, just like we can train our muscles in the gym. And you can do it in the same way as the child and the researcher: by promising something small and then delivering. Over and over again until your brain says, 1) yes, it's worth it to wait and 2) yes, I have the capability to do this.
Angelic Boyish

Atomic Habits - Chapter 14

The Akrasia Effect: Why We Don’t Follow Through on What We Set Out to Do and What to Do About It
by James Clear 

Why We Make Plans, But Don't Take Action

One explanation for why akrasia rules our lives and procrastination pulls us in has to do with a behavioral economics term called “time inconsistency.” Time inconsistency refers to the tendency of the human brain to value immediate rewards more highly than future rewards.

When you make plans for yourself — like setting a goal to lose weight or write a book or learn a language — you are actually making plans for your future self. You are envisioning what you want your life to be like in the future and when you think about the future it is easy for your brain to see the value in taking actions with long-term benefits.

When the time comes to make a decision, however, you are no longer making a choice for your future self. Now you are in the moment and your brain is thinking about the present self. And researchers have discovered that the present self really likes instant gratification, not long-term payoff. This is one reason why you might go to bed feeling motivated to make a change in your life, but when you wake up you find yourself falling into old patterns. Your brain values long-term benefits when they are in the future, but it values immediate gratification when it comes to the present moment.

This is one reason why the ability to delay gratification is such a great predictor of success in life. Understanding how to resist the pull of instant gratification—at least occasionally, if not consistently—can help you bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

The Framework You Need to Beat Procrastination

Here are three ways to overcome akrasia, beat procrastination, and follow through on what you set out to do.

Strategy 1: Design your future actions.
A commitment device is a choice you make in the present that controls your actions in the future. It is a way to lock in future behavior, bind you to good habits, and restrict you from bad ones. There are many ways to create a commitment device. You can reduce overeating by purchasing food in individual packages rather than in bulk size. You can voluntarily ask to be added to the banned list at casinos and online poker sites to prevent future gambling sprees. I’ve even heard of athletes who have to “make weight” for a competition choosing to leave their wallets at home during the week before weigh-in so they won’t be tempted to buy fast food. The circumstances differ, but the message is the same: commitment devices can help you design your future actions. Find ways to automate your behavior beforehand rather than relying on willpower in the moment. Be the architect of your future actions, not the victim of them.

Strategy 2: Reduce the friction of starting.
The guilt and frustration of procrastinating is usually worse than the pain of doing the work. In the words of Eliezer Yudkowsky, “On a moment-to-moment basis, being in the middle of doing the work is usually less painful than being in the middle of procrastinating.” So why do we still procrastinate? Because it's not being in the work that is hard, it's starting the work. The friction that prevents us from taking action is usually centered around starting the behavior. Once you begin, it's often less painful to do the work. This is why it is often more important to build the habit of getting started when you're beginning a new behavior than it is to worry about whether or not you are successful at the new habit. You have to constantly reduce the size of your habits. Put all of your effort and energy into building a ritual and make it as easy as possible to get started. Don't worry about the results until you've mastered the art of showing up.

Strategy 3: Utilize implementation intentions.
There are hundreds of successful studies showing how implementation intentions positively impact everything from exercise habits to flu shots. In the flu shot study, researchers looked at a group of 3,272 employees at a Midwestern company and found that employees who wrote down the specific date and time they planned to get their flu shot were significantly more likely to follow through weeks later.

Fighting Akrasia

Our brains prefer instant rewards to long-term payoffs. It's simply a consequence of how our minds work. Given this tendency, we often have to resort to crazy strategies to get things done. But I believe it is worth it to spend time building these commitment devices if your goals are important to you.

Aristotle coined the term enkrateia as the antonym of akrasia. While akrasia refers to our tendency to fall victim to procrastination, enkrateia means to be “in power over oneself.” Designing your future actions, reducing the friction of starting good behaviors, and using implementation intentions are simple steps that you can take to make it easier to live a life of enkrateia rather than one of akrasia.

Angelic Boyish

2k18 Nov half-month

Arkasia (Greek): the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgement through weakness of will

Doing something you wouldn’t normally do. That is, knowingly putting something off, even though delaying it will make you worse off. To begin with, the confusing thing about procrastination is, it seems we are avoiding unpleasant tasks. In fact, indulging in procrastinating generally doesn’t make us happy.

Where does procrastination come from?

Procrastination often comes from feeling that we have so much to do that no single part of the to-do is worth doing. Correspondingly, the more unsettling question is, “Is it worth doing anything at all?”

As an illustration, it’s easier to process concrete, rather than abstract things. Thus, the immediate hassle is very tangible, compared with uncertain future benefits.

How can you become open-minded about intangible tasks?

For one thing, make acting feel bigger and more real. For example: Spend a moment painting a vivid mental picture of the benefits of getting something done. On the positive side, this can be enough to get you unstuck.

3 Steps to defeat procrastination

Step 1: Design strategies to change your behavior either by reducing the obstacles or the effort needed to start. All in all, find ways to automate your behavior beforehand rather than relying on willpower in the moment.

Step 2: Make starting easier. First, it’s not doing the work that’s hard, it’s starting the work. In general, once you begin, it’s usually less painful to do the work. To put it differently, make it as easy as possible to get started. Then, don’t worry about the results until you’ve mastered the art of showing up.

Step 3: Make your goal specific and doable. Making specific goals positively impacts everything from exercise habits to brushing your teeth. How can you transform feeble intentions into effective plans for action? Ultimately, the answer is make your plan specific and actionable.

For example, stating an exercise goal this way, “I will exercise for 30 minutes on [DATE] in [PLACE] at [TIME],” has been shown to make you 2x to 3x more likely to succeed.

A final thought

From time to time, procrastination can go too far. But, it won’t help to wallow with disgust over your failure to start a task. Accordingly, remember that the right kind of procrastination can make you more creative. After all, thinking more slowly, instead of using the first, or easiest solution is often the key to success.

In everything I do, I believe in challenging your current behavior to power up your life. The way I challenge your current behavior is I first explore what is agitating and exasperating you. Second, I observe how you act. Finally, I pinpoint what excites and motivates you to change. Ultimately, I support you to create a health and wellness plan tailored to your circumstances and strengths. I just happen to offer an approach that is easy to get started as well as keep up. Want to start?