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07 November 2016 @ 11:57 pm
Nov '16 Start  
It's exactly a month since I've last posted.
I've been sick: persistent heatiness, swollen eyes, overworked, emotionally drained.
The exams are over but my health is finally back.
My class did not do as well, partly when comparing with another class, partly when we all are pulled down by the paper.
The last time the boyfriend has travelled to meet me was exactly a month ago as well;
I've since met him twice but I moved. I don't want to pick on that, but coupled with the fact that he no longer bothers to contact just makes it known that we are ending soon. How can trust come when someone doesn't even work on it? I understand also, why work on someone that you don't see a future with? My health has recovered, but I'm trying to move past the stage where I bother and into the resigned stated. That helps me cope with our eventual breakup easier I hope.
I've found a few articles that helps me in expressing the situation and how I can look at it.
This series will be tagged as /\ .

Time Bombs: Relationships With an Expiration Date (August 10, 2016)
“time bomb”: a relationship both parties know won’t last but drags on for months, maybe even years.

I guess initially both of us did not know that this is how we would end. Who does not want to have sweet happy times with your partner? We both did not want things to turn out this way. But I've got my temper. My mum puts the blame on me, and I accept, but not fully, just based on the fact that it's always a two-way thing no matter how small a part one of them plays. Do we regret defninf each other as together? I don't think so, but given a chance to turn back time, I think we wouldn't. We are not definitely not staying with each other or companionship; we don't even accompany each other.

“I’m less likely to mentally categorize someone as a ‘maybe’ who should be a ‘no,’ because I have something like a safety net,” I don't really have like a safety net, but rather I have an excuse for myself to reason with, and to tell people. I do wonder what if another person that I like comes along but my mind doesn't turn fast enough to register, or my mind rejects out of habit. Time will tell.

“I think the fact we were both aware of the time bomb the entire time helped make it the most amicable breakup I’ve ever experienced.” I'm not sure if this will apply to us and help us tide through this limbo, I may not have known it the entire time, but that's the point of the period now, to get this clear and prepare for the day when it comes.

I'm thinking of blocking him on my phone, which to be very honest I don't think he'll mind given that he wants to let go, but I guess we are both just cowards dragging on time till, perhaps, when we pick up courage to sever. I kind of wonder why I still see his face every time I look at the phone. I wonder if he has changed the screen, or what he thinks when in fact he sees my face every time he looks at his phone too.

I've been hurt deeply, and I'm trying to walk out of this. I gues he hurt as well, but he'll have his own coping mechanism. We are two seperate entities, after all.